Part of my wedding plan was to get in shape. Over my year of depression, I had lost so much of my self-worth and identity and had stopped taking care of myself. I wanted get back on track so that I could be the most perfect bride I could be. During this fitness journey, I stumbled upon yoga. It was great for calming my nerves and relieving my mounting stress, and it happened to provide a fantastic workout as well. By the wedding, I had only been practicing for a few months, but something more than muscle had already begun to develop inside of me as I checked my fitness regimen off of my to-do list. 

Yoga had introduced me to a stronger version of myself, and it had revealed the bliss that comes with letting go. There’s something miraculous that happens when you stand on a mat day in and day out, clearing your mind enough to see through the fog that our overactive, overachieving, overly competitive culture puts us in. You begin to see the way your body progresses and the strength you find when you just let go and breathe. I had to let go of my need to be the best because I couldn’t be the best. Yoga is a lifelong journey of progression and self-inquiry, and the point is to check in with yourself and be the best you can be right here, right now. It's personal. It's raw. It challenges you to look within yourself and face the messy, hard things you have buried down deep. It makes people break down. And it's through these breakdowns that we discover our true identities, potential and power. It's beautiful, but it's not easy. 

This meant I had to accept my body where it was and thank myself for the tiny accomplishments I made each day. I had to express gratitude and acceptance for my body and myself, regardless of my imperfections. Perhaps even gratitude FOR my imperfections. I had no vision for where I would be a week in the future, much less a year in the future, in my yoga practice. But as I took in the words “the light in me honors the light in you” each day, I found myself again. I found a bigger purpose than I could ever plan for myself. I found beauty and grace and mercy and strength in ways I would have never thought I could. I came to love myself with an intense, passionate, unconditional love. 

Turns out 24 really was the year everything started to come together for me. I guess I'm not such a failure after all. I just had to endure that year's breakdown to discover the beauty and wonder that existed beyond it, to do some reexamining of myself and life's complexities to see the silver lining in the midst of the shadows.

For me, yoga was a journey of miraculous release. It allowed me to release my need to be in control and opened my eyes to the revelation that everything happens for a reason. Every dark cloud I had encountered had led to something beautiful. But it wasn’t until I was broken that I could allow myself to be released into the reckless abandon that enabled me to finally open my eyes and see that.

We are all beautiful, miraculous beings, and even in our misfortunes, there is a silver lining—a tiny miracle—to be found. You just have to look for it, and sometimes you have to wait for a long time before that darkness starts to part for you to begin to see it. But LIFE GOES ON. It does get better. And it’s hard to walk that silver line all the time, to keep looking for the good. But you have to. Because life itself is a silver lining. It is a miracle in and of itself, and there are miracles happening all around us all of the time. But sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty before us because our nature is to see the dark before we see the light, to live life blindly and upside-down, drowning in the shadows that so easily envelop us. But beauty and light is out there all the time, everywhere, and that’s what this blog is about: finding the silver linings in life and celebrating them to help us stay out of the shadows.

I'm also *gasp* a perfectionist. I generally don't worry about small day-to-day things, like if the house is a mess or if I'm having a bad hair day, but I've always longed for perfection in the grand scheme of things. I pour my heart and soul into my work, and I strive for everything I put my name on to be flawless. Likewise, I've always wanted to achieve the perfect life—to be gleefully happy, find the perfect career and marriage, and to be known for achieving greatness. Naturally, life hasn't turned out to fit the fantastical mold I once envisioned, and for a while, the reality of this kind of tore me up inside. 

I felt the universe was working against me despite all my efforts and all my plans. Relationships were rocky. Money was tight. Friendships failed. Freak health issues landed me in the hospital. I made some big mistakes to try to cope, and dark ghosts rose up to haunt my mind and spirit through it all. All of this stressed me out, and I developed a bad mix of anxiety and depression. Not to mention terrible self image. I had a lot of things going for me, but the struggle of life gave me the illusion that I had failed, fallen short of the line I’d drawn for myself over a decade prior. 

I started to become neurotic, always worrying in excess about what would go wrong next... 
Did I lock the car and set the alarm? 
What if someone breaks into my apartment? Are all the deadbolts locked? 
Did I close the refrigerator before I left the house? Better go back and make sure... I have a feeling I left it open. 
Is my family ok? What if that dream about my mom being held up at gunpoint was a premonition and not just a nightmare? 
What if someone dies in a car crash today? 

What if I die today? Well, at least that would be relief from all this...

I know now that it was me grasping for control and perfection in my world of self-perceived failure and fearing what the universe would throw at me next. But all of this uncontrollable anxiety and worry wore me out to the point that I felt so exhausted I didn't even want to get up off the couch or out of bed. I was worrying about EVERYTHING and wanting to do nothing. I was giving up, becoming dead inside, and no one knew it but me. 

I could never let on what was going on in my head. People might think I was crazy or something. Can't have that.

In retrospect, I can clearly see that it's ridiculous that I let a 10-year-old’s fantasies determine my life plan and my self-worth. It’s ridiculous the absurd level of disappointment I felt when some magic fairy didn’t come along to grant all my wishes. I’m not sure why I thought that life could be so easily manipulated, but I suppose I took the phrase, “you can do anything you set your mind to,” much too literally. I carried those visions with me for much too long, until they were bound to my bones. 

At age 24, I found myself lost in what used to be, and should have still been, a sea of hope and possibility. For the first time in my life, I felt that I had no vision and no direction. My depression and fear of failure gave me a blindness to all the blessings I had and that the universe and God had a greater plan for me than I had developed for myself. But I was blessed. I had a family with unconditional love and support for me, and a wonderful man who loved me through it all and who would eventually become my husband. 

And it is love that would write the story of my future.